A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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