i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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