my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
