I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
