Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I could make wine with my vomit
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
