So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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