Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
