I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
