it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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