Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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