the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
