Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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