Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
