Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
