Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
