When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
