Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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