how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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