I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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