"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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