I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
