not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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