I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I fill condoms, not promises.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
