I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
