After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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