After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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