My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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