i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
