If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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