So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
