i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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