I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
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on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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