if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
