did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
