Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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