Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
