Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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