I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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