some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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