Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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