Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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