Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
