Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
