New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
