Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
