Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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