No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
