Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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