But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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