after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I didn't notice because vodka
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
