and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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