I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
