great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
