Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i've created a new STD.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
