we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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