i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.