the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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