how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
