Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
