proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
