did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
