someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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