the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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