if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
