I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Houston, we have a blender
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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