I can't watch pbs sober anymore
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
