So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
