i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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