Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
