In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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