also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
