Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
